An Inconvenient Truth

“Are you kidding? This is a thing?” I pointed out a bag of ready-to-eat hard boiled eggs to my brother as we walked down the refrigerated section of the store. “Why would anyone pay money for this?”

“Uh… why wouldn’t you pay money for it? Do you know how time consuming it is to hard boil eggs?” I had expected like-minded judgment, not an endorsement of what I still deem an unnecessary product. But I knew we are both too stubborn to be swayed in our own opinions, and perhaps living abroad had made me more out-of-touch than I realized, so I disappointingly refrained from further comment.

Living overseas taught me that Americans (myself included) despise discomfort. Moving back to the States has taught me that inconvenience and discomfort are often synonymous in the American vocabulary.

I recognize that I am making broad generalizations that do not apply to every American. And as I ask for grace in working through the emotions of re-entry, I also recognize the need to extend grace to those I don’t feel I understand anymore. While my short time abroad opened my eyes to new perspectives, I am quick to admit that I am American through and through, and I strive to avoid discomfort (i.e. exercise) at all cost. But it seems like a luxury to be able to pay to have inconveniences disappear, and I wonder if this privilege has weakened our ability to endure even the smallest of hardships.

I most definitely affirm that there are hardships that need to be stepped away from because they are harmful and irredeemable. Examples of these are easily referenced: the abusive relationship, the toxic friendship, the unethical job. But it can be just as easy and convenient to slap this label on any discomfort we feel. “If it’s right, it shouldn’t be this hard,” we say. This seems a dangerous claim to make without proper forethought, especially for the believer who affirms the biblical call to endure promised troubles.

So, perhaps sometimes, when things are hard, it means they aren’t right, but still God is asking us to stick with it for awhile. To be honest, this idea is a little fuzzy for me. Yet I know that there are some difficult circumstances that God has asked me to stay in for a time, if not for the benefit of others, then certainly for my own refinement and mostly for His own glory.

Or perhaps sometimes, when things are hard, it may mean they aren’t all right, but it doesn’t mean they aren’t good. Perhaps these hard things shouldn’t be stepped away from at any time, but rather should be endured and worked through and perhaps even amended. Like marriage. Or exercise. Or hard boiling your own eggs. Certainly our faithfulness can testify to the greater faithfulness of God.

Right now, in the midst of re-adjustment, it is difficult for me to accept the conveniences others take for granted. I don’t want to lose the perspective I’ve gained, but I certainly want to grow more gracious to the perspective of those around me. Mostly, I want to learn and grow in the ability to discern how to proceed when faced with difficulties of various kinds.

God, grant us the wisdom and grace to respond to hardship in the ways that honor You.

Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. -James 1:2-4

Singled Out

It doesn’t take a statistician to observe that the number of unmarried adults in America has increased over the past decades. However, if one were to consult the reporters at Pew Research Center, they would tell you that there is a significant trend of decline in marriages in the US. While unmarried cohabitors is on the rise, according to their research, “the increase in cohabitation has not been large enough to offset the decline in marriage, giving way to the rise in the number of ‘unpartnered’ Americans.”

This trend is important for the church to recognize, especially as we look for ways to reach out to our communities and continue to disciple our own members. As a member of this demographic myself, I ache for the church to understand the needs of the singles in their care. Unfortunately, I do not think I am alone in this aching. The more I read and the more I talk to others in similar positions, the more I grieve over the disconnect between singles and the church. I am grateful for the strong understanding of marriage and family that the church holds. I think God designed us for these relationships and I am glad to celebrate them together. But when these relationships become the solitary focus of our ministries, we exclude (albeit unintentionally so) and isolate a large and growing population of our members and outside community.

I think it is important to note that the singles in our churches are a diverse group. The divorcee, the single mom, the unwed professional, the widower… all have varying experiences and needs. While I dare not speak for most of these groups, I think my own experience allows me to be a small advocate for the young(ish) single women in the church. I certainly am not here to say churches are doing it all wrong, nor am I saying that I have all the right answers. But, I would like to provide three ways I think the church can more effectively reach out to this group that so eagerly desires to be a part of the growing body.

Give us ways to serve. Regardless of your views on women’s roles in the church, I would hope we can all agree that women are a part of the working body that is called to disciple and make disciples. Even single women. Unfortunately, what the church may not recognize about the unmarried ladies in their congregation is that often times we don’t know where to serve. We want to lead in some capacity, but we feel like there is limited opportunity to do so in the local church outside of the nursery and music ministries. We need opportunities to use our gifts and talents to pour into the lives of others. We as a church need to be intentional about providing opportunities for our young women to serve, and we as young women need to be intentional about seeking out opportunities where we can serve.

Choose your words carefully. This one is tough, because regardless of what you say, someone somewhere is bound to be offended. Most of the time, even the painfully stinging statements are made in genuine desire to help. And, I think for the most part, we singles try to be gracious in accepting the sentiment rather than the insensitivity. That being said, assumptions of marriage in the future (“You’re going to make a great wife someday.”), advice on how to attract a spouse (“You just need to put yourself out there more.”), or suggestions to just be more patient with God while we wait (“I found my spouse when I stopped looking.”) are not helpful. Whether it’s right or not, there is a natural bitterness felt toward those who try to give advice to singles on their “condition” while not actually having experience in it. So, be mindful of the way you speak to singles about being single.

Likewise, when speaking to a group of mixed demographics, do not dismiss singles! It is utterly frustrating when, after a wonderful message, the only application given to singles is “don’t have sex before marriage,” or a sentiment that “you’ll understand… some day.” Stop it. Marriage does not equal maturity, and singleness does not equal immaturity. Comments like these not only hurt and isolate your single members, but they communicate to the rest of the congregation that jokes like these are OK, that your young singles lack understanding, and, perhaps, that your teaching isn’t truly applicable to them yet.

Raise up women leadership. Let’s say a young single woman in the church becomes broken over some sin or struggle in her life. She needs accountability and possibly counseling. Keeping with boundaries set for integrity, the pastor cannot meet with this woman as she needs. Do we have the proper, mature female leadership in the church to provide this woman the help she is asking for? For some local bodies, I believe the answer is yes. However, I ache for strong biblical female leadership across our local churches. I’m tired of the “Proverbs 31 woman” focused ministries. I want to glean from the wisdom of women who embody the gospel as it is preached through the entirety of Scripture. Training up women who love and study Truth not only provides the support that other women need, but I believe it has the multiplicity effect in that, as these women pour into others, they in turn train up more leaders that can pour into more women still. Your young single women need leading. Not mother-daughter teas, not “how to be a supportive wife” talks. We need leaders who understand our needs and can help us grow in our knowledge of God where we are at.

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I hope that I can properly communicate my love for the body of Christ. I do not think that our ministries to other dynamics are wrong. I am glad we can provide support for marriage and family relationships. However, I do think that, as the number of singles in America continues to increase, we need to become more aware of what we are doing to disciple those members of our bodies as well. And while I can speak from experience as a young-ish single woman, there are many other singles with different experiences and needs in our churches. Let’s all be intentional together to seek opportunities to share and serve one another. It takes work, but the end result is beautiful.

Lost

Within the first week of my landing in the States each summer, I visit the grocery store with my mom. This summer’s return was no different. Unlike past summers, when I ogled “normal” snacks and considered how much cake mix I could fit in a fifty pound suitcase, my mind and eyes were on a much different target this time. I wasn’t interested in indulging my cravings, and I wasn’t worried about paying extra baggage fees. Rather, I listened carefully as my mom explained how to use apps to track discounts and coupons. I made mental notes as she told me which stores are better for certain products. I observed her shopping choices, wondering how she came to those decisions amidst so many options.

Panic set in as I realized I would have to start making these choices for myself. I’ve been shopping on my own for years now, and I’d mastered my routine in Moscow. How could something as simple as buying groceries feel so foreign? But when we arrived at the checkout line, the anxiety I felt over how much empty space shoppers left between one another confirmed for me that I needed to re-learn the ways of grocery shopping in suburban America.

Sure, I could read every label on every variety of coffee creamer. I could wrap my brain around the standard measurements of weight and volume. But as we made our way through our second store, the amount of things I could understand became overwhelming. Even with my eyes closed, I heard words and conversations which my brain immediately interpreted into ideas, try as I might to block them out. Whereas just weeks before, I craved understanding between myself and those around me, now I just needed to hear myself think. What had in past summers been a trip of indulgence was now a reminder of change, and I felt overwhelmingly lost.

To be sure, there is a great comfort and peace of mind that I have gained in relocating back to Raleigh. But there are parts of my life that grew and developed in a foreign place that now feel stinted. Like successfully grocery shopping. Or navigating through traffic. Or managing a classroom. All of these skills I’ve practiced in a context far removed from where I find myself currently. Now that I am among my own people again, I am more aware of my deficiencies in the skills that should come naturally to an independent adult.

Beyond that, I have been stripped of such an important part of my identity. Regardless of what country I’ve been in, who I was and what relationships I formed were based largely on my job. I was “Liz who lives in Russia,” or “Liz who teaches at an international school.” But both of those parts of me are gone now, and I find myself lost, not just in the grocery store or in relation to those around me, but in my innermost self. What a place to be, amirite?

Even still, God is good. While I wrestle with the emotions of moving, the excitement and fear of change, the sorrow of loss, and the shift in identity, I have found an anchor in a God who never changes. Right now, when I am not certain of much, I find peace in remembering the security that salvation brings, not just for eternity (though I am grateful for that as well), but for the present. I may not know who I am in this new place, but I know that I belong to Christ. And I remind myself daily, that is enough.

“Praise the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavens. For He chose us in Him, before the foundation of the world, to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love He predestined us to be adopted through Jesus Christ for Himself, according to His favor and will, to the praise of His glorious grace that He favored us with in the Beloved.“

-Ephesians 1:3-6